Harry Potter and the Trojan Cheese
by Trojan Cheese
Summary: Harry receives a letter. 'Dear Harry and friends: I am Lord Voldemort...' Join Harry and pals in their wackey advertures. Rated PG-13 for retartedness, randomness, stupidity and an occasional bad word or two...Written by Trojan Cheese and Selenes Song
1. The Letter and Its Sender

This story was written by Trojan Cheese and Selenes Song.

Trojan Cheese: This is my first fanfiction story. It is really stupid and random so please enjoy it.

Selenes Song: Trojan Cheese and I worked on this story together at school because who really needs math and history? Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

**The Letter and Its Sender**

**Common Room:**

Owl/ flies in and drops letter on Harry's lap/

Harry: Look a letter! I think I'll read it/opens letter/

Ron: Sure whatever, you do that.

Harry/reads letter/ 'Dear Harry and Friends, I am Lord Voldemort. How are you? If you are fine, you should not be. Come to my house on Friday the 13th. Be there or be square.'

Hermione: Oh no! What will we do?

Ron: I don't know.

Hermione and Ron: Good luck Harry. /leave/

Harry: Wow what great friends. It's just you and me now owl.

Owl/flies out window in a hurry, but not before he leaves a parting gift/

Harry: Ok, it's just me. /picks at owl droppings/ Smells like putrefaction. Yummy!

**Voldemort's House**

Voldemort: Ha ha ha ha! Those robots Ron and Hermione I made worked perfectly! Now Harry will come to me…alone…

Ron: MMfil!

Voldemort: What did you say/takes duct tape off Ron's mouth/

Ron: OUCH!

Voldemort: Ouch?

Ron: No, that's not what I said! I said 'Never!'

Voldemort: Yes, er, what does that mean?

Ron: I don't know it just sounded good.

Voldemort: Here's a dictionary. Look it up. I'm far to busy plotting evil plots. /hands him the dictionary and strokes his chin trying to seem smart/

Ron: How do you spell never?

Voldemort: I don't know. That's why you have a dictionary!

Ron: Oh, ok/leafs through pages and thinks to self/ _Wow! This dictionary is pretty heavy. It would make a great weapon. Oh well! _/ continues to search for 'Never'/

Voldemort: Now where was I…? Oh yes, I was writing a letter. /reads out loud while writing/ 'Dear Auntie Loo Loo, Thank you ever so much for the squishy whooshy pink pillow and the loofa named Jimmy. I love them oh so much!'

Hermione: I hame fluffy nucumple!

Voldemort: Are you laughing at me/pets loofa named Jimmy and takes duct tape off Hermione/

Hermione/shakes head/ No, I said I have to go to the bathroom!

Voldemort: Oh, ok then go. /unties her/

Hermione/walks away whistling "Whistle While You Work"/

Ron: I found _it!_

Voldemort: Go on! Read what it says.

Ron: Ok! 'Pronoun

1. Used to refer to that one previously mentioned. Used of a nonhuman entity; an animate being whose sex is unspecified, unknown, or irrelevant; a group of objects or individuals; an action; or an abstraction: polished the table until it shone; couldn't find out who it was; opened the meeting by calling it to order. 2. Used as the subject of an impersonal verb: It is snowing. 3. a. Used as an anticipatory subject or object: Is it certain that they will win? b. Used as an anticipatory subject to emphasize a term that is not itself a subject: It was on Friday that all the snow fell. 4. Used to refer to a general condition or state of affairs: She couldn't stand it. 5. Used to refer to a crucial situation or culmination: This is it-the rivals are finally face to face. That's it! I won't tolerate any more foolishness. 6. Informal Used to refer to something that is the best, the most desirable, or without equal: He thinks he's it. That steak was really it!

Noun

1. Games A player, as in tag, who attempts to find or catch the other players. 2. An animal that has been neutered: The cat is an it.'

Voldemort: You bothersome fiend! I wanted you to look up the word 'Never'

Ron: Oh, I know that! It means to have a loofa of a day.

Voldemort/slaps head/ Never mind… Are you sure?

Ron: No. /tosses book out window/

Window/breaks/

Voldemort: Cheap glass…

Hermione/comes back laughing/ Ha ha! Your bathroom is PINK! Ha ha!

Voldemort/turns red/ My sister painted it…

Ron: PINK/burst into tears of laughter/

Voldemort: Ahh! I can't take it! I'm sending you back!

Ron and Hermione: Yay for being annoying!

Voldemort/pushes Ron and Hermione on a big red X on the floor. Then he pushes a random red button/

Red X/springs upward/

Ron and Hermione/ fly upward all the way back to Hogwarts/

Ron: Whee! That was fun!

Hermione: Let's do it again!

Ron and Hermione/land next to Womping Willow/ Oh no…!

Authors' Note: Did we tell you that it would be retarded? We warned you… Please Read and Review! And tune in next time for Peter the Hobbit Saves the Day! (twice!)


	2. Peter the Hobbit Saves the Day, Twice!

**A/N: Hello from the Community Insane Asylum! Sorry we haven't updated in like, a long time. We were… slacken!**

**T.C.: Please don't get mad at us and come after us with chainsaws…**

**S.S.: Howdy Folks! Who's your favorite possum? Ha ha! If you haven't read Who am I, you stink… not really…**

**Chapter Two: Peter the Hobbit Saves the Day, Twice!**

**:Under the Womping Will:**

Ron: We are going to die!

Hermione: I know! I'm so scared! I think I just wet myself!

Ron and Hermione: Somebody save us!

Random guy with short hair and big feet/runs and saves them/

Ron: Wow, thanks!

Hermione: You're my hero but, no offense, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Random guy with short hair and big feet: My name is Peter and I'm a Hobbit.

Hermione: Don't lie! I've read about Hobbits. They have long hair like two extremely sexy Hobbits named Pippin and Merry! I mean, Hobbits have long hair. Anyways, you have short hair! So you can't possibly be a Hobbit!

Ron: yeah you silly little bugger!

Peter/starts crying/ Don't say that! Don't you know who I am?

Crickets: Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp…

Peter: I'm the Hobbit who lost his hair?

Ron: That's…bad…yeah! We shall go with that…

Hermione: How did you lose your hair?

Peter: My Mommy made me cut it. /cries louder/

Hermione: Don't be sad! I think you…you are…umm… a great Hobbit!

Peter//perky girlish voice/ Really? Like thanks! You're so like my shining star!

Ron: I'm afraid!

Hermione/backs away slowly/

Ron: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Peter: Neither. I'm just a little….wicked.

Hermione: Look, as spiffy as that is, we need help finding our friend Harry.

Peter: You do!

Ron: Yes.

Hermione: Can you help us?

Peter/pushes up sleeves/ I think I can do it!

**: Common Room:**

Harry/paces floor/ what to do? What to do? Ahhh, I'm going to die/scrunches face in concentration/ I want a cheese sandwich or maybe some chocolate!

Sandwich and chocolate/appear/

Hermione, Ron and Peter/run into common room/

Peter: We are here to save you!

Harry: from what?

Ron: From that chocolate you're about to each. /grabs chocolate and takes HUGE bite/ mmmmm /swallows/ This is heaven—er—this is poisonous. Oh. No! I'm going to die! AHHHHHH!

Peter: Do you want me to save him/points to Ron who is starting to choke and sneers/ Ew, you mean I have to touch him? Gross! He's like all barfing all over the place.

Ron/barfs chocolate everywhere then starts cocking again/

Hermione: I think you should.

Harry: Yes, that would be nice.

Peter: Do I have to?

Hermione: Young man and/or woman, you save Ron from dieing right now or you shall be grounded from going to the Shire Party with that fat Hobbit.

Peter: You mean Bilbo?

Hermione: No, he's younger.

Peter: Gandalf?

Hermione: Nope, fatter and he smells funny.

Peter: I know! It's Sméagol!

Hermione: No, he's a lot fatter.

Peter: Aragon?

Hermione: Nope.

Peter: Arwen?

Hermione: No, he's not a girl…I hope.

Peter: Frodo?

Hermione: No, but he traveled with him.

Peter: That Sam-thing?

Hermione: Why not!

Peter: Yeah/does jig/

Harry and Hermione/run under chair in fear/

Ron/falls to floor dieing/

Peter/starts to sing Shania Twain/ let's go girls! I'm going out tonight! I'm feeling all right…

Harry: be afraid!

Hermione: Be very afraid!

Ron/dies/

Peter: Men shirts, short skirts—hey! That kid with the big nose died.

Hermione: Your point?

Peter: None!

Harry: Wanna play card?

Cards/appear out of thin air with magic fairy dust and a chorus of AAAA's/

Peter/fans cards/ pick a winner girl with big frizzy hair.

Hermione: Ok/pulls a card near the middle/ It's a queen of spades.

Peter: I said pick a winner. What a looooser!

Harry/chants 'loser' while doing an Indian war dance/

Hermione: Shut up you bloody bastard/socks Harry/

Harry/falls to the ground next to the late Ron Weasley/

Peter: That wasn't very nice thing to say and/or do!

Ron/comes back to life/ Yeah! I'm telling your mother/dies/

Hermione: He just died again. That's kind of creepy.

Peter: Stupid big nosed fertilizer freaks! They die off too easily. I mean you have them for like a day and then you forget to feed them and clean their bowls for like a day or three and then they die! Wait, that's fish!

Hermione: You're not very nice, killing innocent fish!

Peter: Shut up you bloody bitch!

Harry: Hey! Only I can call the bloody bitch a bloody bitch/jumps Peter/

Hermione: This is my kind of sport/pulls out a lawn chair, popcorn and rootbeer from magic black sack that was hiding behind her the whole time/

Rom/come back from the dead/ Yeah/dies/

Peter and Harry/punch each other/

Fight/transpires/

Random girls/walk into room/

Random girl #1: Go Peter the Hobbit who lost his hair because his mom made him cut it!

Random Girl #2: Go Harry!

Random Girl #1: My brother shagged a spider monkey!

Everything/stops/

Random Girl #2: My boobs are smaller than Random Girl #1's

Random girls/jump into fight/

Hermione: Wow, walk away slowly.

Ron/comes back to life/ Yeah!

Ron and Hermione/walk away slowly/

**: Great Hall:**

_Later that day..._

Hermione: Why is no one here/looks around/

Great Hall/empty save for a random tumbleweed that is blowing across/

Ron: ¡No se!

Hermione: ¡No hablo español!

Ron: ¡Como no!

Hermione: You're stupid.

Ron/dies/

Hermione/strokes chin/ I wonder how the fight is going…

**: Common Room:**

Fight/consists of everyone in Hogwarts except for Hermione and Ron/

**: Great Hall :**

Hermione/looks at Ron's body/ Ron, I just noticed that you are dead.

Ron/comes back to life/ apparently so/dies/

Hermione: You know, Ron, this chapter is called Peter the Hobbit Saves the Day Twice, but Peter has only saved the day once.

Ron/falls off bench/

Peter/swings in randomly on a Tarzan rope/ I'll save you big nosed kid/grabs duct tape, Ron's head and his body. Tapes head back on body from the neck/ There, you are saved. And you have a sexy choker! But, I wouldn't wear it. You died chocking. Or was it cause you farted?

Ron/comes back to life/ Thank you Peter!

Hermione//whispers/ I still don't see how he can be a Hobbit. He doesn't have long hair!

Peter/frowns/ I best be getting back to my nice summer chalet in the Fiery Pits of Mount Doom! Ta/vanishes/

Ron/Dies/

Hermione: This chapter really scares the shit out of me!

**A/N: Hi! **

**S.S.: Wow, this is so random! T.C. and I wrote this during Spanish, Math and lunch. All in one day! The part about the cards is completely true. My Spanish teacher really did do that! He also drives an Element….**

**T.C.: Please keep the chainsaw down.**

**Reviewer(s):**

**Saxifrage: We love you!**

**Please review!**

**S.S. and T.C.!**


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